Anger

Hello Blogger fans, I find more than ever I have a hard time to figure what to blog about or more so what I feel like revealing to those that read my blog. I have plenty of things that run around in my brain that I think I should jot down to make get it out of my system...Anyways...

I know that I have an anger problem. It's something I've had as far back as I can remember. The littlest thing can cause me to "boil" and once that happens I just let it out. Well that isn't the case. I seem to be able to keep it under control at work. I get some of the dumbest people asking the dumbest questions and I take it with stride and don't let them get to me and I don't get mad, I sit there and answer them. No sarcasm, no anger just me giving stellar customer service. Why can I do it for people I never see but in my everyday boring life, I can go off at the drop of the hat?

I've been listen to these podcasts on Buddhism, on being mindful (which I guess I don't get). Then there's this whole entire meditation thing that I don't get. When I sit and try and do the meditation thing, my head gets filled with tons of thoughts, thoughts that I can't turn off.

Maybe I'm doing something wrong?

Busy busy busy

Live has been a bit hectic here as of late and this is usually when I start neglecting this blog, but I'm not going to do it. I'm going to push through.

Just some quick updates

The Detroit Lions lost, which isn't a shock to me. The team is committing dumb penalties. I don't see this team doing much more than 8-8 if they're lucky, unless they stop making these dumb ass penalties.

Spent Sunday before the football game arguing with the neighbor down the street, because I asked her son to please get off my step son's bike. He ran home and complained, thus brought out his mother. I'll probably blog about this in more detail.

Age 41 is lurking around the corner, I can see it peeking and waiting to pounce.

Might be time to start posting about some of the fun calls I get while at work

Trying to find my peace

For many years, I walked my own path in life. I didn't let little things bother me. I was use to being alone. I always had a very low self image of myself, but that was me. During my first marriage, I didn't let negative things get me down. I shrugged them off. I was never a spiritual or religious person. I always stood by the believe that there were far to many wars fought over religion to want to follow a religion.

Now growing up, I was a fan of huge Star Wars fan and upon getting the internet I made it a habit to read everything I could about Star Wars. While doing this reading, I learned that Buddhism was woven into the Jedi side of the force. Now I'm not dumb and I realize that the force is a thing in a movie and there's no such thing, but it made me look into Buddhism.

I started doing research on it and reading things on the internet about it. I never really got deep into it and I stepped away from it and came back to it a few times. Of all the religions out there, it makes the most sense for my life. It's not about believing in an all powerful being so to say but it wasn't something I followed back then. I thought it was interesting and like that Buddhism was used as part of a movie that I followed.

Flash forward to the last 5 years of my life. Those that read my previous blog know that I got divorced after 12 years of marriage, that I met someone, we moved in together and had a child all rather quickly and my life turned upside down. There's been a lot of turmoil in my life the last five years. I have a hand in some of that as do others, but I'm not here to point fingers at them, or maybe I am. Anyway, I've noticed over the last few years, I've become quite angry, I take a lot of things that shouldn't be taken personal, very personal. To say my life is not how I envisioned it, would be an understatement.

I need to find my happy place, my inner peace. I don't like this feeling at all. I feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on my life and it's about to do down a deep dark whole I don't want to end up. in. I'm looking to get out of this rut, this path. I couldn't figure it out, then I go and read my friends blog, I see that he too is having some life issues and I hope that his issues get better and he overcomes them. Yet as I catch up on his blog, I see something that entices me. He speaks of Buddhism, now this is something I would never expect from him, but I think back to some of the research I did on it and I decide maybe now is my time in life to look to it for guidance.

I've been reading things about it at work, I've listened to a few zen casts. The things I've listened to and read make this seem far to easy, it's kind of how I lived my life prior to this relationship. Growing up, I learned not to care what others thought, While I was angry, not near as much as I am now. Hopefully some of this will work.

I still remember.....

I'm writing this blog 30 minutes before 9/11/2013. Twelve years after the attack on my country on our own land.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I was working for Visiting Nurse Association of Southeastern Michigan, I was 6 months into my first IT job. I remember all the emotions that ran through me that day. Fear, Anger, Pride in my country, worry, among others.

I will never forget that day.

I do feel sad as of now. Just think 12 years ago, this attack brought our country closer and now today, the country is splintering. A war with Syria is being flirted with, people are opposed to gay marriage and there's those that want to make it illegal to handle guns. We as a country are at each other over some really stupid things in my opinion. Let's worry less about taking away others rights. My opinion isn't anymore right than the next person. I mean is gays getting married really going to ruin the sanctity of marriage? I mean there's a 50% divorce rate (I am one of the 50%). We have celebrities who are married for mere days before they get divorced or annulled. You have people that cheat, so having two men or women saying vows isn't really going to hurt much.

Then these people that are in an uproar over guns. I mean do you think taking away some one's gun is going to make America safer? It's not, criminals aren't going to say oh I'm not using a gun to commit a crime. I mean stop trying to push your beliefs on others and life your life.

We're going to stop there, because this post wasn't about pointing fingers or getting on a soapbox. It was about remembering 9/11. A time where our country was united for a time. Wouldn't it be nice if we could put of differences aside and realize that our opinions are just that our opinions and pushing our opinion on others is wrong.

Misery loves company...

It's starting to feel that way. Been a few days since I've blogged. Life has been out of control these last 5 days. Though NFL football season has started and the Lions actually won.

Where did all these walls come from....

I have always lived worrying about what others thought of me. I hated my name growing up as it was what some consider a girl name. For as long as I can remember I have put up walls and very view have seen me as my real self. I was afraid to talk to girls growing up and I had a very hard time making friends. I also felt that the people that I considered friends eventually left.

It was an insecurity I lived my life. The few people I had as friends growing up, moved. It wasn't there fault. They had to go where their families went, it didn't make it any easier for me growing up and it put me in a shell. Growing up, it took a lot for me to open up to anyone. I kept my feelings to myself, I didn't trust people cause I felt eventually they would either move or would snub me outright.

Going through Jr. High and High school, my list of friends was rather short and it was, also, at this time that I realized that talking to the opposite sex was pretty much futile. I put to much stock in what others, especially the opposite sex, thought of me. I didn't actually date anyone until I was out of high school and honestly, My first serious relationship ended with me married and divorced 12 years later.

Now that I'm older, I guess the time to chip away at these walls are needed. Right now I feel that I've gone and trapped myself into very small room with no escape. I have no one to blame but myself for my current state of mind. It's not former friends,current friends, family, co workers or anyone else fault. I gave those people to much control over me.

Confusion....

I'm at a point in my life where I'm lost. I'm far to old to play games anymore. I don't expect my life to be a happy go lucky life anymore. I'd be content with less chaos. With no fighting, no arguing, and peace.

I really feel I'm at a fork in my life. A life where it might be time to make a choice and stick to that choice. At this time, I feel like Charlie Brown. We all know that Charlie Brown is the poster child for being wishy washy...I feel very wishy washy at this time.

Is this thing on?

I've lost track of the attempts I've had at doing these blogs. I make no promises that this will continue. However when I've blogged in the past, it helped.

About me....

Honestly, This isn't really about me. It's what I want you to know about me. I'm the father to a 4 year old little girl that I love, I'm the step father to 5 children. 2 girls and 3 boys. Girls are aged 13 and 6, the boys are aged 12, 7 and 6. The two oldest don't like me much and I've come to terms with that. My girlfriend/Fiancee and I have our ups and downs.

I work at a help desk for a pretty big company. I don't mind my job, wish it had more to do with the network side of things.

I'm pretty much a poor man and I've come to grips with that as well.

Right now I feel like I've kind of lost myself a little bit. I use to be a big World of Warcraft player, but I've stopped playing. I dabble in some other MMORPG's but not nearly as much as I use to. I use to be a huge sports nuts, but again I've stop paying attention, however this year I've got myself in 5 fantasy football leagues.

I guess that maybe why I'm reentering the blogging world, hoping maybe that I can once again find myself.

There are days at work where I get a lot of down time and there's the smartphone thing where I can blog whenever I want.

Well bloggers..Here I go again...Hopefully this time it will be for a while.