Where did all these walls come from....

I have always lived worrying about what others thought of me. I hated my name growing up as it was what some consider a girl name. For as long as I can remember I have put up walls and very view have seen me as my real self. I was afraid to talk to girls growing up and I had a very hard time making friends. I also felt that the people that I considered friends eventually left.

It was an insecurity I lived my life. The few people I had as friends growing up, moved. It wasn't there fault. They had to go where their families went, it didn't make it any easier for me growing up and it put me in a shell. Growing up, it took a lot for me to open up to anyone. I kept my feelings to myself, I didn't trust people cause I felt eventually they would either move or would snub me outright.

Going through Jr. High and High school, my list of friends was rather short and it was, also, at this time that I realized that talking to the opposite sex was pretty much futile. I put to much stock in what others, especially the opposite sex, thought of me. I didn't actually date anyone until I was out of high school and honestly, My first serious relationship ended with me married and divorced 12 years later.

Now that I'm older, I guess the time to chip away at these walls are needed. Right now I feel that I've gone and trapped myself into very small room with no escape. I have no one to blame but myself for my current state of mind. It's not former friends,current friends, family, co workers or anyone else fault. I gave those people to much control over me.